Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
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Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I feel seen
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them