People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
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Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*