This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
You Might Also Like
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.