Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
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“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Why does laundry happen to good people?
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.