I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
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Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Favourite diary entry ever
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.