“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
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[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby