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Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Watson was Holmes schooled
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
my mom making me talk to relatives