The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
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I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People