My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
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Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.