COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
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Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?