Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
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Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Choose your fighter
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home