Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
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I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
There’s always that one guy
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?