I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
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It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.