[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
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In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”