Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
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I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Ghost costume 😂
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Whoa… oh I see lol