I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
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Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband鈥檚 code.
They鈥檙e working together, we鈥檙e in trouble.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
I learned that when dogs lean against you it鈥檚 their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Always 馃ゴ
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you鈥檙e fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
She doesn鈥檛 have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot