Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
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[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”