911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
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The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.