Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
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My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Don’t touch that.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.