Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
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Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*