*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
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I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
i love meeting boys on tinder
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit