For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
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Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
🤣dope
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”