Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
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A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!