My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
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I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god