My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
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I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout