Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
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PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
any last words?
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT