My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
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Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
This is what makes twitter great
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
broke down and did it
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.