Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
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‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.