Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
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Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Sell your car
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
I really had high hopes for this year though