During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
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“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
was Jim off killing horses or…
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
gm
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere