Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
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[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Oceanography is all about current events
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*