Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
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I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume