[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
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I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.