And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
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Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
based al yankovic
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
That was easy.