“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
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No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
This pepper has seen some shit
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.