Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
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I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.