I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
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They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?