The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
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Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Oh. My. God.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question