If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
You Might Also Like
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Love this guy
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Go girl power!
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?