“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
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It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.