[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
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Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
I’m awake but I object,
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably