What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
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Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god