roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
You Might Also Like
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey