me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
You Might Also Like
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME