Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
You Might Also Like
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.