Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
You Might Also Like
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?