photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
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Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
my first dose meeting my second
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*