It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
You Might Also Like
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.