that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
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Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
very niche meme I made
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.