Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
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[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Pot warmers of the day.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.